Lewisburg, PA – The rise in popularity of Canada Goose jackets, high-end winter coats with prices ranging from $395 to $745, has led to concern over the health and safety of Bucknell students. As spring approaches and temperatures rise, many young women refuse to stop wearing their jackets, even at the risk of heat stroke.
Last Thursday, three students were hospitalized with dehydration and heat stroke. Doctors at local Evangelical hospital report all three arrived in Canada Goose parkas with rapid pulse, difficulty breathing and confusion. Two of the females pushed nurses aside as they attempted to remove the duck down coat. “I started unzipping her bulky jacket and she yelled ‘No! No! Don’t!’ and pushed my hands away” one nurse reported. In a follow-up interview, this student clarified, “If I took it off, how would anyone know how stylish I am? Daddy didn’t buy me this so I could take it off the moment the snow melted. I just…I can’t even.”
There is one comfort in this dire epidemic. One nurse at Evangelical confirms, “Well, they all have really, really good insurance”.
President of Bucknell University, John Bravman, personally concerned for the health of the student body, stated, “Alright, we get it, but please just take the jackets off. It’s 65 degrees!”.
Disclosure: this piece is a work of satirical fiction
Co-author: D. Wellington
Featured Image Credit: Canada Goose website