“I just can’t fit all my besties in the same picture” said a Bucknell student one morning, “I can’t stand my horrible selfie range.” The 20-year-old Bison, who asked to remain anonymous, has since decided to undergo an extremely dangerous operation that will add 6 inches to every finger on both hands. Over the last few years, only a few other students have gone under the knife for this incredibly painful procedure. Unfortunately, far less have emerged still able to snap a photo. “I can’t even open the camera app anymore,” claimed one patient as she sobbed into her massive hands. Another student was forced to switch to a much wider Samsung phone to accommodate his elongated fingers, “its just not the same,” he admitted, “switching the contacts from my iPhone took me two years.” Psychologists at Stanford University have been trying to uncover the motives behind this behavior for years. Recent studies have indicated that Instagram “likes” are the most “likely” cause.
For reasons still unknown, young adults have begun to treat these virtual acknowledgements as a measurement of their societal value. “We don’t quite know why these students need to achieve Ultimate Selfie Enhancement (USE), but are determined to uncover the truth,” stated one doctor in a press conference last week. When we asked the Bucknell student why such an enormous risk was necessary, we were told that normal-sized fingers just can’t get it done anymore. “If I don’t go through with this operation, what will my followers do? I’m doing it for them. They are my everything.” We have our normal-sized fingers crossed for this student’s speedy and successful recovery.
**the above post is meant to mimic the satirical tone of The Onion**
Featured Image: Huffington Post