Category Archives: prompt 7- Onion News

3-D Printer Prints 3-D Printer


Last Monday, a student at the University of Arizona, St. Louis used a 3-D Printer to print the same 3-D printer. The student, Eric Choe, is a young undergraduate student who spends his Friday Nights at the Architect building. “I didn’t even know you could do this, all I did was put the input from the user manual of the original printer and ta-da. It worked,” said Eric when asked about the event. His mentor, Professor Bobstein, said, “I wasn’t really surprised by this Eric’s discovery, he is a really innovative kid. He is always doing things we wouldn’t think of.”

Since then,, departments at other schools have been trying to use their 3-D printers to print a 3-D printer. Most have been unsuccessful. The conclusion behind the failures is that they don’t have the same brand of 3-D printer as the 3-D printer, Sony’s Print-well Model 743, at UA, St. Louis. So all these departments have returned their printers and purchase Sony’s Print-well Model 743. Sales have gone up from 15 every month, to 200 just this week! Sony is delighted by the attention this event has brought to its product.

The next step is running tests on the new 3-D printed printer and seeing if it can work and print properly. This will involve extensive testing and trials. The final test will be to see if the 3-D printed printer can print a 3-D printer. However the problem lies in whether or not the average initial cost of a 3-D printer is over $50,000, so this could potentially cut the costs into five percent of the price. This may be the future of 3-D printer. It may even drive Sony’s sales to the ground now that everyone may have access to the production of 3-D printers. Only the future will tell!


Bucknell Holds Racial Equality Assembly: Racism Gone Forever

After a recent public and vulgar example of hate speech broadcast over the Bucknell radio station, WVBU, the student body received numerous emails from President Bravman. Every Bucknell student shared the same response of curiosity as to what someone could have possibly done wrong this time after they saw an email with the subject line “[Students]” from the President. Could there have been another email hack, or would this email potentially be upbeat and shouting praise for a Bucknell student’s behavior. Alas, it was neither. Instead, it was far worse. Continue reading Bucknell Holds Racial Equality Assembly: Racism Gone Forever

One Bison Burrito? $12.62, please.

I came to college expecting the food to be relatively mediocre, as I had heard stories from older siblings, cousins, friends, etc.  So, I was prepared to take on shitty food–however, I was not prepared to pay ridiculously high prices for that shitty food.  There aren’t many dining options at Bucknell–as a freshman, you have unlimited swipes in the caf (so you have no concept of money), but as an upperclassman you pretty much just eat in the bison with “dining dollars.”  You could eat somewhere downtown that takes campus dollars, but trust me–it’s not worth the effort of actually trying to obtain this mystical currency.  Why log on to myBucknell and enter your bank account’s routing and account number in addition to a bunch of other personal information so you can eat at Subway when you can just sign your name on a sheet at the Bison for dining dollars and eat there? Continue reading One Bison Burrito? $12.62, please.

In Floor Debate on National Civil Discourse Day, Congress Comes to Blows

Washington, DC-

In what was widely seen as a deeply superficial motion to make February 29 of leap years a day to honor and celebrate civil discourse, Congressional members ended up in a tussle of words and, by some accounts, even blows. Continue reading In Floor Debate on National Civil Discourse Day, Congress Comes to Blows

“Ultimate Selfie Enhancement”: Student to Receive Finger Extension Surgery

“I just can’t fit all my besties in the same picture” said a Bucknell student one morning, “I can’t stand my horrible selfie range.” The 20-year-old Bison, who asked to remain anonymous, has since decided to undergo an extremely dangerous operation that will add 6 inches to every finger on both hands. Over the last few years, only a few other students have gone under the knife for this incredibly painful  procedure. Unfortunately, far less have emerged still able to snap a photo. Continue reading “Ultimate Selfie Enhancement”: Student to Receive Finger Extension Surgery

Study Shows College Students View Jobs as “Myth”

A new study targeting college juniors and seniors across the country has drawn a shocking conclusion that today’s youth now view “jobs” as more myth than fact. In the study’s rankings, college students viewed a full time job as significantly more believable than the existence of leprechauns and slightly less believable than the existence of Centaurs. One student commented, “It doesn’t make any sense. You hear stories about Sasquatch and Bigfoot and how people go out on camping trips just trying to document their existence and capture that universal fascination. But then you hear people talk about these things called “jobs” in such a factual manner, like they obviously exist, and it’s infuriating. My friends and I have spent almost four months straight looking across the entire US for jobs, and there’s just not even a trace. I’m sick of all the Sasquatch/Bigfoot sightings and attention, let’s find some jobs for once and debunk that myth first!” Continue reading Study Shows College Students View Jobs as “Myth”

Philadelphia Phillies voted Best Place to Work in MLB


The Philadelphia Phillies have been voted the best place to work among employees in Major League Baseball. The voting was conducted anonymously, but we interviewed several individuals involved with the process off the record to hear their reaction.

Continue reading Philadelphia Phillies voted Best Place to Work in MLB

Report: Direct Correlation Between Nice Weather and Apathy to School

A recently self-published and self-conducted study by Bucknell University students uncovered some stunning information. Students display a much lower interest in classes and schoolwork when the weather becomes nicer in the spring. These shocking results were discovered after students enjoyed several days of gorgeous weather in the high fifties and low sixties in early April following a brutal winter with temperatures in the single digits, icy conditions and seemingly endless snowfall. A student who participated in the study and requested to remain anonymous said, “I’m just so thankful to see some sun and be able to wear t-shirts again”. Continue reading Report: Direct Correlation Between Nice Weather and Apathy to School

Drinking Coke is the solution to California’s Drought

As our society becomes more worried about the scarcity of water and environmental sustainability, Coca-Cola may have found the solution. You are not able to supplement Coca-Cola beverages for drinking water as well as bathing and cooking purposes. “Researchers at Oregon State University found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable water is trapped in Coca-Cola products” (The Onion). Continue reading Drinking Coke is the solution to California’s Drought

Some Americans Today Still Do Not Have Equal Voting Rights

As I was watching an episode of “Last Week with John Oliver,” an interesting topic caught my attention. Around 4.1 million American citizens today still do not have equal voting rights. These are the citizens of our American island territories: the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Northern Marianas. Even more troubling, the law that forbids these citizens to have equal voting rights dates back to 1901 and was created because the islands were inhabited by “alien races,” as 98.4% of the inhabitants are racial minorities. The law was written by the same man who wrote the separate but equal decision in Plessey v. Ferguson, Henry Brown, but even he said these exceptions to the constitution should only be temporary. A century later, these American citizens are still discriminated against.

Continue reading Some Americans Today Still Do Not Have Equal Voting Rights