Tag Archives: the onion

Blog Council Report: Onion News


What we Did Well

  • Keeping posts interesting and entertaining to read
  • Comments brought up new points and ideas to form a discussion, there was a good mix of jokes/continuing the trend of satire while also having thought provoking points and ideas

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“Ultimate Selfie Enhancement”: Student to Receive Finger Extension Surgery


“I just can’t fit all my besties in the same picture” said a Bucknell student one morning, “I can’t stand my horrible selfie range.” The 20-year-old Bison, who asked to remain anonymous, has since decided to undergo an extremely dangerous operation that will add 6 inches to every finger on both hands. Over the last few years, only a few other students have gone under the knife for this incredibly painful  procedure. Unfortunately, far less have emerged still able to snap a photo. Continue reading “Ultimate Selfie Enhancement”: Student to Receive Finger Extension Surgery

Study Shows College Students View Jobs as “Myth”


A new study targeting college juniors and seniors across the country has drawn a shocking conclusion that today’s youth now view “jobs” as more myth than fact. In the study’s rankings, college students viewed a full time job as significantly more believable than the existence of leprechauns and slightly less believable than the existence of Centaurs. One student commented, “It doesn’t make any sense. You hear stories about Sasquatch and Bigfoot and how people go out on camping trips just trying to document their existence and capture that universal fascination. But then you hear people talk about these things called “jobs” in such a factual manner, like they obviously exist, and it’s infuriating. My friends and I have spent almost four months straight looking across the entire US for jobs, and there’s just not even a trace. I’m sick of all the Sasquatch/Bigfoot sightings and attention, let’s find some jobs for once and debunk that myth first!” Continue reading Study Shows College Students View Jobs as “Myth”

Chipotle Employee Diagnosed with PTSD from Telling Customers: “Guac is Extra”


Max Power, a 22-year old college student and Chipotle employee was checked into Golden Cross Hospital earlier this week after being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The second year employee claims the condition is a result of “stressful working conditions where there is a concentrated focus on alerting customers to the fact that guacamole costs $1.80 extra.”

Power started with Chipotle cleaning/clearing tables before he was promoted to working on the food line. “At first I thought it would be exciting to do something more meaningful, but I really overlooked the pressure of it all,” said Power about working on the line. He began his new experience in the last station before the cash register where he was responsible for adding the finishing touches such as cheese, lettuce, and of course, guacamole. Power says he was constantly reminded of the importance of informing each customer who requested guacamole that it was indeed $1.80 extra. Power admitted, “Most customers seemed to already know guac was extra. Many didn’t seem to care, and some actually seemed annoyed when I would tell them. I started to think it wasn’t really that big of a deal.”

Then on a rainy Monday afternoon, Power finally slipped up. He forgot to inform an elderly gentleman customer of the extra charge for guacamole. When the man realized he was charged for what otherwise seemed like just another free ingredient, he immediately become engulfed with rage. He began to scream at anyone and everyone in a Chipotle uniform until both the young girl working the cash register and the acting Manager were both in tears. “I tried to speak up but I couldn’t be heard over his curses of ‘our generation’ and reasons why we were what’s wrong with this country,” explained Power.

Other Chipotle employees say Max Power changed that day. “He barely even reacted when our Manager threatened to fire him,” said one of Power’s concerned coworkers. Power could not help but to relive the confrontation in his head. “Every time a customer would ask for guac, the roomed seemed to get 20 degrees warmer,” admitted Power. He became so nervous that sometimes he would inform customers that guacamole was extra even if they did not order it. Eventually he could no longer control the volume of his voice. One of Power’s coworkers recounts an experience where a 10-year old girl asked for guacamole and Power shouted at her in response. “He started yelling at her before she even finished asking for it: ‘IT’S EXTRA IS THAT OKAY?!?’ He was out of breath like he just ran a mile.”

Under the recommendation of his manager and parents, Max Power voluntarily took a leave from Chipotle in order to seek medical attention. Power will remain at Golden Cross Hospital for further evaluation and care. “I don’t blame the company. It is important for all customers to know about the extra charge for guac. I know it sounds silly, but I’m going to beat this.” We wish Max Power the best in his path towards recovery.

That’s Right. He’s Back.


BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre has officially announced that he is coming out of retirement once again to play in the NFL again. *

The last time we saw Brett Favre in uniform was on December 5th, 2010 before he was forced to leave the game due to a devastating shoulder injury (was diagnosed as a slight strain after the game). The veteran had the presence of mind to throw an interception on what so many foolishly believed to be the last of his career to give back-up quarterback, Tarvaris Jackson, enough time to warm-up on the sidelines. This smart play let the Vikings oust the Buffalo Bills 38-14 en route to a memorable 6-10 season. However, it was a sad and serious day for the NFL when Brett Favre finally decided to retire at the end of the season. Or so we thought…

Continue reading That’s Right. He’s Back.

Expectations are high for Tiger Woods at Augusta


Tiger Woods has had a promising career in the past few years. He was close to beating Zach Johnson in the 2013 World Challenge and he was able to get third at a European Tour in Turkey. After enduring back surgery and taking time off for three months, Tiger has made a promising recovery. He has tied for 69th at the Open Championship, and then returned to the World Challenge in December. In light of the chipping problems he faced and one of his career-worst scores at the World Challenge, he had a new, free swing. So he must be ready for a win, right?

Continue reading Expectations are high for Tiger Woods at Augusta

Prompt 7 – I Swear I’m Not Crying, It’s Just The Onion


The Onion runs an entertainment website featuring satirical articles reporting on international, national, and local news.

For the blog this week (for class April 6), choose a topic and craft a satirical news piece, complete with a clever title and any media content or images to make it believable.

Get creative and have fun!

Here are a few articles from The Onion for inspiration (feel free to peruse the site for other ideas):

Report: Employees Most Innovative When Brainstorming Dramatic Quitting Scenarios
Fewer NBA Players Choosing To Learn Unborn Child’s Position
Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate
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