“Ultimate Selfie Enhancement”: Student to Receive Finger Extension Surgery

“I just can’t fit all my besties in the same picture” said a Bucknell student one morning, “I can’t stand my horrible selfie range.” The 20-year-old Bison, who asked to remain anonymous, has since decided to undergo an extremely dangerous operation that will add 6 inches to every finger on both hands. Over the last few years, only a few other students have gone under the knife for this incredibly painful  procedure. Unfortunately, far less have emerged still able to snap a photo.

Study Shows College Students View Jobs as “Myth”

A new study targeting college juniors and seniors across the country has drawn a shocking conclusion that today’s youth now view “jobs” as more myth than fact. In the study’s rankings, college students viewed a full time job as significantly more believable than the existence of leprechauns and slightly less believable than the existence of Centaurs. One student commented, “It doesn’t make any sense. You hear stories about Sasquatch and Bigfoot and how people go out on camping trips just trying to document their existence and capture that universal fascination. But then you hear people talk about these things called “jobs” in such a factual manner, like they obviously exist, and it’s infuriating. My friends and I have spent almost four months straight looking across the entire US for jobs, and there’s just not even a trace. I’m sick of all the Sasquatch/Bigfoot sightings and attention, let’s find some jobs for once and debunk that myth first!”

Philadelphia Phillies voted Best Place to Work in MLB

The Philadelphia Phillies have been voted the best place to work among employees in Major League Baseball. The voting was conducted anonymously, but we interviewed several individuals involved with the process off the record to hear their reaction.

Report: Direct Correlation Between Nice Weather and Apathy to School

A recently self-published and self-conducted study by Bucknell University students uncovered some stunning information. Students display a much lower interest in classes and schoolwork when the weather becomes nicer in the spring. These shocking results were discovered after students enjoyed several days of gorgeous weather in the high fifties and low sixties in early April following a brutal winter with temperatures in the single digits, icy conditions and seemingly endless snowfall. A student who participated in the study and requested to remain anonymous said, “I’m just so thankful to see some sun and be able to wear t-shirts again”.

Drinking Coke is the solution to California’s Drought

As our society becomes more worried about the scarcity of water and environmental sustainability, Coca-Cola may have found the solution. You are not able to supplement Coca-Cola beverages for drinking water as well as bathing and cooking purposes. “Researchers at Oregon State University found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable water is trapped in Coca-Cola products” (The Onion).

Some Americans Today Still Do Not Have Equal Voting Rights

As I was watching an episode of “Last Week with John Oliver,” an interesting topic caught my attention. Around 4.1 million American citizens today still do not have equal voting rights. These are the citizens of our American island territories: the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Northern Marianas. Even more troubling, the law that forbids these citizens to have equal voting rights dates back to 1901 and was created because the islands were inhabited by “alien races,” as 98.4% of the inhabitants are racial minorities. The law was written by the same man who wrote the separate but equal decision in Plessey v. Ferguson, Henry Brown, but even he said these exceptions to the constitution should only be temporary. A century later, these American citizens are still discriminated against.

Woman Achieves Dream No Child of Any Gender Has Ever Had

The National Football League recently hired its first ever permanent female referee. Sarah Thomas never viewed herself as a pioneer even now that she is about to break the gender barrier as the NFL’s first permanent woman official.